Friday, Mar. 17, 2006 8:24 A.M.
St. Paddy's Day Happy St. Patrick�s Day!
Today, Everyone is Irish that want to be!
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All that cleaning yesterday for nothing! The guy never even went into the bedroom! He sat on our couch and explained everything about the mask. Humph! Well at least it�s done. Terry wore it last night for the first time. He managed to keep in on for about 4 hours before he gave up and took it off. He will get used to it, It will just take some time. I, on the other hand, laid down at 9 and never moved til 6:30 this morning. I fell asleep before I could even say my prayers. I was bushed! In honor of St. Paddy�s Day, I leave you with a list of some of my favorite Irish jokes, a blessing and a cheer. I hope you enjoy them. Have a green day!!
We've got our own recipe for Irish stew: Get some meat, some potatoes and a lot of Guinness Stout. Drink all of the stout. Forget about the stew. **********************
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan. "Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life??" "Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?" "I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
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Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in,
staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting, "Your mum's the best shag in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says, "I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!"
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!"
Finally Collins interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're pissed!"
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An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes." Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations. One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?" "Sure." So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes. As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you just left?" The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
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One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal.
While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted.
The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted.
The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
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A big Texan Fellah is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse. This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, �Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want?
Liam says, O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days.�
�Hey, Boy�, says the Texan, �Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine.�
�I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im, says Liam.�
The Texan is getting angry now. �Listen up Boy�, he says, �you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now.�
�Oh well�, says Liam, �$2000.00US.�
�Deal!� says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, �Hey, Boy, you a damn swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!�
�I keep tellin' you he don't look too good, says Liam, and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up.�
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It was the end of the Gulf war. The Arabs stared over at the Oil Fields and watched them burning. Day and Night the Flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red O Dare'. Red O Dare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red O Dare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.
The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the Desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red Haired Paddy's comes roaring over the Sand Dunes and heads straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their Denim Jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the Oil Rig Fire was Out. The four Paddy's walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!".
The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?.� Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fucking truck!!"
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MORE IRISH LOGIC!
A tipsy Hogan gets on a bus in Ireland and asks the driver how long
the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor. "OK," says Hogan "then how
long is the trip between Cork
and Limerick?" The irate driver says to him: "It's still about two
hours. Why'd you think there'd be a
difference?" "Well," says Hogan "It's only a week between Christmas
and New Year, but it's a
Hell of a long time between New Years and Christmas!" May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
The sun shine warm upon your face
The rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.
*************** Sl�inte!
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