Saturday, Apr. 01, 2006 7:22 A.M.
Happy Saturday Happy Saturday,
I was reading someone�s entry last night and they were talking about strange jobs they have had and things that made them strange. I have a few. Maybe they aren�t strange at all, but I thought I�d list them just for chuckles. United States Army Reserves More to the point, basic training. It was November of 79 and I landed at Fort Dix, New Jersey. The most unusual parts of that job were: Learning how to toss a live Grenade;
Learning how to fire a machine gun;
Learning how to put on a gas mask in 5 seconds;
Learning how to hit a Tank with an M72 LAW (Light Anti-Tank Weapon. It�s a portable one-shot 66 mm anti-tank weapon.)
Learn to get out of bed, use the bathroom, shower, brush the teeth and get dressed in 30 minutes. Detention Officer in a County Jail (screw, guard, turnkey) I learned to do a strip-search;
I learned to use a metal detector;
I learned that just because a woman is deaf and mute, it doesn�t mean they can�t kick, scream and bite;
I learned that screaming "get the fuck down!!" will make a guy take a noose off his neck and get down off the bars of a cell.
I learned doing the above will keep a guy from hanging himself;
I learned that checking on an inmate 5 minutes early for no apparant reason is the work of angels watching over him.
I learned that saving a life is worth a day off with pay and a certificate.
I learned prostitutes were no different than I was except my job had insurance and vacation. Security Guard in a Hospital I learned when a patient is being kept in the psych ward that you should make sure the police have removed her keyring and chain from her person before turning her over to the hospital staff;
I learned that keyrings with 10 keys, bottle opener and variouse heavy metal objects attached flying around one�s head in a circle at 90mph make a great whooshing sound when they come within � inch of your face;
I learned you can call someone a bitch when they are in restraints and there�s not much they can do to you;
I learned I was stronger than I thought I was;
I learned I don�t like dead bodies and the smell of a morgue. Video Store Clerk I learned how to watch porn videos so I could bust the guys that used the excuse they wouldn�t play to try and get their money back. Switchboard Operator, Ocean Reef Club, Florida I learned that I should have gotten there a week earlier. Gary Hart and Donna Rice had been there in the marina on the Monkey Business. I would have handled their calls. I could have been part of history. But by then they were on Bimini. Prep Cook. Cape Arundel Inn. Kennebunkport, Me. I learned when you can see into the back yard of the President of the United States Summer house from your second floor bedroom window, the government does a background check on you;
I learned it is maybe best not to joke about taking said president out with a scope on a 30 06 from said window. I was quite the jokster in 1989 Cocktail Waitress, Jupitor Island Club I learned just because a guy (cough-cough-Prescott Bush-cough-cough) is the brother of a US president (cough-cough-George W H Bush-cough-cough) it doesn�t mean he isn�t a condescending asshole that has no clue how to treat waitstaff;
I learned that if they run a thread into your groin and up into your heart and open a vein on a Friday night, they won�t let you waitress Sunday morning. They will however let you sit and sell newspapers. Well, that about sums it up. Nothing strange about all that, huh? Ya, I guess some of my jobs have been interesting. I thought about getting a job circumcising elephants. The job doesn't pay much but the tips are enormous. Ok, joking on that one. Just for the record, if you came here via Golf Widow's notify 'cos she said I do a great April Fool's entry every year .... PSYCHE!!! Everything in here today is true. Cross my heart and hope to die. Well, not today. Just saying.
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Later,
Cosmic
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yesterday's gone/tomorrow's coming- - 2009-07-27
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