Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 10:12 A.M.
Andy Rooney You may or may not have gotten this in your e-mail and these lines may or may not have actually been written by Andy Rooney. Either way, I thought them worth repeating.
Subject: Andy Rooney
1. Andy Rooney on Monica..................................
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only
yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and
knees.
2.Andy Rooney on Vegetarians...................
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter".
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners...................
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners
into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think
they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity.
And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners......................
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for.Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!"
and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark
their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that
April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences............
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the
women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?"
It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic
nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls............
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know."
Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking
proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not
sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to
say,
"I'm not in the mood."
7. Andy Rooney on cripes ..........
My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome.
They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making
fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
8. Andy Rooney on Grandma..............
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.'
You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that
dollar she gave you for your birthday.
9. Andy Rooney on answering machines..........
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
BEEP: "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back.
Stop sharing the love.." Later....
Later,
Cosmic
|
yesterday's gone/tomorrow's coming- - 2009-07-27
- - 2009-07-07
- - 2009-06-29
- - 2009-06-26
- - 2009-06-09
MY PERSONAL HEALTH PROGRAM
� kmurray 2007 - 8
|
