Sunday, Jan. 04, 2004 3:48 P.M.
You are in prison for a heinous crime. Write a prison penpal ad that will have hapless folks sending you porn, marriage proposals, magazines, stamps, and money for the canteen, as well as smuggling contraband in their undies when they visit.
No. 343924874 1/2
Pennsylvania State Correctional Institute
PO Box 180
Muncy, PENNSYLVANIA 17756
I am looking for a pen pal. I would like to find someone who will help me to keep my sanity through this misunderstanding.
I am presently being detained at a women�s correctional facility in upstate PA. My attorney assures me that this is temporary, as I am not guilty of the charges. He is sure I will win on what is called an appeal.
You see, I am being screwed misunderstood.
My dear sweet deceased husband was a lumberjack. He had an accident and they are trying to blame me.
He tripped over the dog in our kitchen and fell on his axe. 37 times. They said he couldn�t have done that but I tried to tell him he suffered from epilepsy and kept falling on top of the blade again and again. They think I am bullshitting making it up.
So now I am hoping to find someone to take pity on an old broad Grammie. I really could use a friend right about now. I am trying to get the grandson to write, but he never does. He�s too busy setting fires studying his schoolwork.
If someone were to send me some Playgirl Hustler magazines, then I could send them on to him and maybe he�d be so happy (he likes the articles) that he�d come visit. I miss my family so much.
Of course I�d need the stamps too. Then I could write you back and send more letters. Stamps don�t cost much. Pennies, really. I would reimburse you as soon as the insurance check clears. After they find out I�m not guilty, the bastards nice insurance men will have to give me the money, won�t they?
I�m hoping to have someone write that could maybe give loan me a little bit of money, just for a little while. I wouldn�t need much, just enough for some pot, hash denture cleaner and my arthritis medicines.
Maybe if you live nearby, you could even pay me a visit. That would be so nice. I like visitors. They help me deal with the rheumatism arthritis pain. The screws nice guards used to give me Percoset, but they don�t anymore. Something about me always having a sore throat lately and not being any use to them. Of course anyone with a wonderful imagination could figure out how to bring in just a few just to tide me over.
I have been known to turn a head or two in my day. I should be out of here soon and I figure that now that ole Luther, my stupid dear dead husband is no longer with me, I will be getting pretty lonesome on a cold winter night. Of course, with the $1,000,0000.00 blood insurance money, I can buy a lot of firewood, but I think I�ll probably be needing someone to help me spend handle all that money when I get out.
So, if you�d like to get to know me, drop me a line. I�m not fussy, but I would really like to hear from some cooks or butchers. Preferably, those that own their own sharp knives and a mid-sized dog. Those suffering from Parkinson�s or nervous ticks are welcome, but must otherwise be insurable healthy.
Note to Editor: I am sure you will fix all my mistakes in this ad before you publish it. They only let us have one pencil and mine doesn�t have an erasure. Thank you.
Note from Editor: Ads are printed in their entirety. This newspaper does not censor, nor alter ads in any way.
Later,
Cosmic
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