2002-03-31 10:54 a.m.
Easter HAPPY EASTER! This is sort of a serious personal entry, so if you're here for chuckles, sorry. Not today. I have been going through a weird sort to thing for the past few years. At one time, I would have screamed to the rooftop my belief in God and of Jesus Christ as the Son of God and my Savior. But for the past few years, I have lost that absolute faith. I am not saying that I don't believe in God, but I wonder if there are more than one. I am not saying that I don't believe Jesus is the Son of God but I now wonder if he is anymore than we are. More Holy, of course. More reverant, indeed. More innocent and pure, without a doubt. But still a man no different that any son or daughter of God. It is very upsetting. I want an absolute faith again. I need it. I pray every night to God. I often pray off and on during the day about things. "Please give comfort to the family of ___ who lost their father/mother/child." I said many prayers about my mastectomy. Do I think God heard them? Yes, most certainly. But I seem to be a mish-mash of what I used to believe without any doubts. At one point, I used to have no doubt that there is a heaven and a hell. I now think, though I am not sure, that Hell is a ficticious place taught to us to keep us in line. I used to believe without a doubt that there was a heaven. I now wonder if heaven is more a plane of existance that we all enter at death. My theory on this is based on science. A good Christian should stay away from science at all costs! It corrupts the brain. Anyway. If you take a piece of paper and burn it, what happens to the paper? It doesn't go away. It doesn't dissappear. It just changes it's composition. It goes from a solid to a gas. I often think that maybe the same holds true for us. Maybe our "spirit" being a form of energy, just rises up and becomes one with the atmosphere. I don't know. I just wish I could go back to believing as I did as a child. Life was simpler then. You lived life as well as you could and you went to heaven. Sounds easy. Then why do I have to challange it? God forgive me, I am a mortal. I only know that I want to believe in Easter for all it sybolizes. I want to believe the story I read in the bible. I really do. But I just can't be sure. It makes me sad to feel this way. Later... Later,
Cosmic
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